There are talents that come along once in a generation, artists who’s influence echoes for decades and changes the way society views the world around it. The Beatles first notes on the Ed Sullivan Show, Warhol’s Campbell’s soupcan prints, Pollock’s daring new painting technique, all moments that altered the course of American culture. Little did we know that when a young man named Robert Sylvester Kelly released the classic R&B song “Bump N’Grind” in 1993 the world would never be the same.
The last paragraph was ridiculously over-dramatic, but it’s a fitting tribute to the subject of this week’s article, R. Kelly. Kelly was the biggest-selling male artist of the 90’s, and he’s well on his way to dominating the new millenium. I have no reservations about calling Kelly a genius, he’s the best songwriter alive in terms of crafting melodies that lodge in your head and refuse to leave, much like an inoperable brain tumor. What makes his success paticularly mind-boggling is the absolutely ridiculous substance of his lyrics. Modern R&B is not exactly Shakeperean, but R. Kelly’s songs reach levels of absurdity previously unimagined. The depths, or heights, of his lyrical ability force us to come to two conclusions: either he long ago realized the words he sings are completely irrelevant to his album sales, or he’s so deluded he actually believes his lyrics are the greatest of all time. Which is it? Genius or retarded llama? Let the debate begin.
Let's take a little R. Kelly refresher course by watching the first editon of his opus "Trapped in a Closet, or just take a gander at the photo above (nice crucifix, I wonder what Jesus would think about "Sex Me"...he's probably love it. Just click below to watch the video.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eUVLNghzLtI&mode=related&search=
Ready? Ok, join me in a land of magical wonder.
* “Ignition” off the album Chocolate Factory, 2003
"So buckle up cuz this could get bumpy babe/Now hit the lights and check out all my functions babe/Girl back that thing up so I can watch it babe/honey we gonna mess around n get a ticket babe/its like...oooo...pull over babe/and let me put this love in our family trunk babe/So buckle up cuz this could get bumpy babe/Girl we gon mess around n get a ticket babe"
Let’s put my poetry degree to good use, or terrible use depending on your viewpoint. First I’d like to note his use of end-rhyme, rhyming “babe” with “babe” eight consecutive times, quite a feat. Mr. Kelly has built this song around a metaphor, sex with him=driving a car, note his use of repeated entendre. I’m a particularly big fan of “check out all my functions babe, and quite frankly I’m not sure what to make of “let me put this love in our family trunk babe.” The allusion is relatively straight forward, but it’s the “family” part that throws me off. I don’t even know what a “family trunk” is, a trunk large enough to fit your family in? Sorry grandma, you pulled the short straw today. This is Kelly’s genius, the ability to code his eccentricities so well they often go unnoticed.
* “Sex in the Kitchen” off the album TP.3 Reloaded, 2005
"Girl you're in the kitchen/Cooking me a meal/ Something makes me wanna come in there and get a feel/Cutting up tomatoes, fruits and vegetables and potatoes/Girl, you look so sexy while you're doing the damn thang/Sex in the kitchen/over by the stove/Put you on the counter by the buttered rolls/Hands on the table, on your tippy toes/We'll be making love like the restaurant was closed"
Remember what I said about Kelly’s ability to code, forget about it. “Sex in the Kitchen” couldn’t be more straightforward; the man likes sex in the kitchen. It often sounds like there’s no filter for Kelly; if one day he started thinking “Hey, I really like those pretzels they sell at airports” he’d release his new smash hit “Airport Pretzels (if I could I’d have sex with ‘em)” in a matter of months. No one in the history of R&B has ever used the phrase “cutting up tomatoes, fruits and vegetables and potatoes” erotically; at least we know he’s eating healthy. “Right next to the buttered rolls” is also classic, is anyone else getting a little hungry?
* “Feelin On Yo Booty” off the album TP.2 .com, 2001
"Feelin on yo booty, yo booty,yo booty, yo boo-ooFeelin on yo booty,yo booty, yo booty,yo bootyyo boo-ooty, booty ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba,ba, ba-ooty, baby"
Seriously. The song peaked at #9 on the billboard charts. Seriously. At this point he’s given up even trying to form words, vowels will do just fine. I don’t even know what to say, and yet I’m strangely drawn to it. I think this is what it feels like to be a moth and spot a light bulb.
“Trapped in a Closet” off the album TP.3 Reloaded, 2005
"Shh, shh, quiet Hurry up and get in the closet" She said, "Don't you make a sound Or some shit is going down"/ I said, "Why don't I just go out the window?"/ "Yes, except for one thing, we on the 5th floor"/ "Shit think, shit think, shit quick, put me in the closet" /And now I'm in this dark ass closet, tryin' to figure out /Just how I'm gonna get my crazy ass up out this house/ Then he walks in and yells, "I'm home"/ She says, "Honey, I'm in the room"/ He walks in there with a smile on his face/ Sayin', "Honey, I've been missin' you" /She hops all over him /And says, "I've cooked and ran your bath water" /I'm tellin' you now, this girl's so good that she deserves an Oscar/ Throws her in the bed /And starts to snatchin' her clothes off /I'm in the closet, like man, what the fuck is going on? /You're not gonna believe it /But things get deeper as the story goes on /Next thing you know, a call comes through on my cell phone/ I tried my best to quickly put it on vibrate /But from the way he act, I could tell it was too late /He hopped up and said, "There's a mystery going on And I'm gonna solve it" /And I'm like, "God please, don't let this man open this closet"
I could write a thesis on this song. It’s R. Kelly’s attempt at narrative story telling, starting with him waking up in a strange bed and being caught cheating with this man’s wife. This is only part 1 of 12 sections. It’s like The Odessey, only with more gay sex, midgets, brothers on parole, cherry pies, and trigger-happy police officers (you can’t make this stuff up). My favorite is the exchange between Kelly and the woman about where to hide him: “Why don’t I just go out the window? “Yes, except for one thing we’re on the fifth floor.” “Shit think, shit think, shit quick, put me in the closet.” I love that we suddenly get to hear his thoughts, which mostly consist of the word “shit.” And what house has five floors? What tops it off is the melodic accent he puts on lines, “I tried my best to quickly put it on vibrate” is funny enough on its own, but when sung with such soul and conviction it’s hilarious. Those of us who watched the schizophrenic solo performance of this song the world will never be the same. It was like watching a schizophrenic throw a toaster into a bathtub, simply electrifying.
So there you have it, I’ve laid out the evidence, the jury has deliberated, what’s the verdict? I want to make it clear that despite the negativity occasionally displayed here, I like R. Kelly in all seriousness. I’m freely confess to unabashedly singing along to his songs on the radio. A better question may be what is it about these songs that are so addictive? I’m not sure, maybe the NoChance community can come to some sort of consensus. I’ll close with a line from Kelly’s newest single “I’m a Flirt”
"Cuz hey I'm black, handsome, I sing…plus I'm rich"
Truer words were never spoken.
