I have met a lot of obscenely wealthy people in my lifetime, essentially because of nothing more than an extended series of coincidences. Every time I’m in some new palatial estate I always look for signs of unhappiness and tragedy. After all, the only thing keeping me from hating these people is the belief that their money has left them empty shells of humans; that my meager existence has some happiness that is walled off to the rich. Well, rejoice my paycheck-to-paycheck brethren, I come offering substantial proof that money is not the key to happiness. In fact, it’s more likely than not to leave you and your children gnarled wastelands of humanity…
The Gettys are one of the most prominent families in San Francisco, Mayor Newsom owes no small part of his success to their money and influence. The young and beautiful jewels of the family are Billy and Vanessa Getty. The razor-sharp cheekboned couple has two young boys but have clearly turned over the bulk of the parenting responsibilities to an English nanny. I happened to be in the kitchen when Vanessa arrived home to spend some quality time with the boys:
Vanessa: “Hello my darlings, come here.”
(The two-year-old waddles over to her, she picks him up. The four-year old is much more interested in playing with his truck out on the back porch. He looks up at her and then continues playing.)
Vanessa: “I said come here, now.”
(The four-year-old is indifferent, continues to play).
Vanessa: “Fine then, Mommy hates you. I’m going to go upstairs and get dressed.”
(He spins around startled and then starts towards his mother, who is already well on her way upstairs. Begins to cry.)
There is absolutely no way that kid is going to have a serious cocaine problem by the time he’s 15. I wish there was a way to gamble on these things, this kid and Nicole Richie’s baby are stone-cold locks to become extraordinarily messed up adults. This is valuable insider information people.
On the other side of mean is crazy, also known in more kind circles as eccentric. Tom Hormel owns an unbelievably large estate in Malibu, the kind of place that takes your breath away, until you realize you’re looking at the guest house. Oh, I’m sorry, let me back up. Who is Tom Hormel? Tom is the heir to the Hormel fortune, as in Hormel Foods, the meatpacking giant. I shook the hand of the man who owns Spam, and that’s a pleasure I will take to my death. I feel a little bad about mentioning him here because he’s a genuinely kind man, but I have to. You see, he’s a strict raw food vegetarian, he won’t allow meat to even enter the property. Let that sink in for a moment, the irony’s almost overpowering. You have to believe he knows exactly what goes into those tins of processed meat and it can’t be pretty. If you ever find yourself with Tom be prepared to drink enormous of his special beet/ginger/macrobiotic enzymes juice. Consider yourself warned.
On a more general note: Two recent newspaper articles have left me rejoicing. The first is about a recent rash of robberies in Bel Air. For those of you who’s only exposure to Bel Air is Fresh Prince re-runs, the real place is enormous, once you turn off Sunset Ave. and go through its exclusive gates it can take as many as twenty or thirty minutes to wind through it’s shaded streets to a house. As it turns out (much to my delight) Bel Air denizens have left themselves only more vulnerable to robberies. Their homes are surrounded by high walls and heavy foliage, a.k.a. perfect cover for robbers, no one can see into the property to notice someone breaking a window. Even if their burglary alarms go off it can take half-an-hour for the police to arrive, and since pool boys and gardeners are constantly coming and going no one thinks twice about a white van parked outside. HA! Suck on that rich people! Turns out being part of a community and regularly interacting with people actually makes you safer, and that’s why I choose to live in an apartment building (let me believe what I want to).
Also, on a parenting note, a new study has concluded that not only do Baby Einstein videos not increase a child’s intelligence, they make them stupider! Children who haven’t watched the videos have almost twice the vocabulary as those who did regularly. It turns out that talking to your kids and interacting with them is more beneficial than sitting them in front of the tv. In other shocking news the key to losing weight is consuming less calories while expending more. Who could have possible known? Oh, that’s right, I did. And not all the blame goes on parents, Baby Fuckin Einstein Inc. (or whatever they’re called) has been preying on parental fears by selling them a product that does the opposite of what they claim. People should be rioting, and I hope they do. Burn Baby burn!
Let me be clear, I need more financial assets. But the key seems to be knowing when to stop. You want money, but not “I only drink ginger/beet juice” money.” You want a large bank account, but not “Mommy hates you,” large. As Americans we’re not particularly good at moderation, in fact I’ve been suddenly inspired to coin the term “obesely wealthy.” That’s trademarked, if you want to use it you’re going to have to pay. Hey, I got to make a living.
The Gettys are one of the most prominent families in San Francisco, Mayor Newsom owes no small part of his success to their money and influence. The young and beautiful jewels of the family are Billy and Vanessa Getty. The razor-sharp cheekboned couple has two young boys but have clearly turned over the bulk of the parenting responsibilities to an English nanny. I happened to be in the kitchen when Vanessa arrived home to spend some quality time with the boys:
Vanessa: “Hello my darlings, come here.”
(The two-year-old waddles over to her, she picks him up. The four-year old is much more interested in playing with his truck out on the back porch. He looks up at her and then continues playing.)
Vanessa: “I said come here, now.”
(The four-year-old is indifferent, continues to play).
Vanessa: “Fine then, Mommy hates you. I’m going to go upstairs and get dressed.”
(He spins around startled and then starts towards his mother, who is already well on her way upstairs. Begins to cry.)
There is absolutely no way that kid is going to have a serious cocaine problem by the time he’s 15. I wish there was a way to gamble on these things, this kid and Nicole Richie’s baby are stone-cold locks to become extraordinarily messed up adults. This is valuable insider information people.
On the other side of mean is crazy, also known in more kind circles as eccentric. Tom Hormel owns an unbelievably large estate in Malibu, the kind of place that takes your breath away, until you realize you’re looking at the guest house. Oh, I’m sorry, let me back up. Who is Tom Hormel? Tom is the heir to the Hormel fortune, as in Hormel Foods, the meatpacking giant. I shook the hand of the man who owns Spam, and that’s a pleasure I will take to my death. I feel a little bad about mentioning him here because he’s a genuinely kind man, but I have to. You see, he’s a strict raw food vegetarian, he won’t allow meat to even enter the property. Let that sink in for a moment, the irony’s almost overpowering. You have to believe he knows exactly what goes into those tins of processed meat and it can’t be pretty. If you ever find yourself with Tom be prepared to drink enormous of his special beet/ginger/macrobiotic enzymes juice. Consider yourself warned.
On a more general note: Two recent newspaper articles have left me rejoicing. The first is about a recent rash of robberies in Bel Air. For those of you who’s only exposure to Bel Air is Fresh Prince re-runs, the real place is enormous, once you turn off Sunset Ave. and go through its exclusive gates it can take as many as twenty or thirty minutes to wind through it’s shaded streets to a house. As it turns out (much to my delight) Bel Air denizens have left themselves only more vulnerable to robberies. Their homes are surrounded by high walls and heavy foliage, a.k.a. perfect cover for robbers, no one can see into the property to notice someone breaking a window. Even if their burglary alarms go off it can take half-an-hour for the police to arrive, and since pool boys and gardeners are constantly coming and going no one thinks twice about a white van parked outside. HA! Suck on that rich people! Turns out being part of a community and regularly interacting with people actually makes you safer, and that’s why I choose to live in an apartment building (let me believe what I want to).
Also, on a parenting note, a new study has concluded that not only do Baby Einstein videos not increase a child’s intelligence, they make them stupider! Children who haven’t watched the videos have almost twice the vocabulary as those who did regularly. It turns out that talking to your kids and interacting with them is more beneficial than sitting them in front of the tv. In other shocking news the key to losing weight is consuming less calories while expending more. Who could have possible known? Oh, that’s right, I did. And not all the blame goes on parents, Baby Fuckin Einstein Inc. (or whatever they’re called) has been preying on parental fears by selling them a product that does the opposite of what they claim. People should be rioting, and I hope they do. Burn Baby burn!
Let me be clear, I need more financial assets. But the key seems to be knowing when to stop. You want money, but not “I only drink ginger/beet juice” money.” You want a large bank account, but not “Mommy hates you,” large. As Americans we’re not particularly good at moderation, in fact I’ve been suddenly inspired to coin the term “obesely wealthy.” That’s trademarked, if you want to use it you’re going to have to pay. Hey, I got to make a living.
