No matter how paranoid you are, it’s not enough (unless you’re dressed in a tinfoil suit of armor and living in a bunker, that’s enough). As hip-hop veteran Davey-D pointed out, marketers and advertisers is at war. They’re battling for control of your brain, which is presumably connected to your wallet, but it’s been a massacre because the general public doesn’t realize they’re at war. It’s been a completely one-sided fight. There’s probably no other art form that’s as closely connected to marketing as hip-hop, though by no means the only one. I’m sure Toby Keith is busy shilling Chevy’s or Bud Light right now, and if that sounded like I was taking a cheap shot at country music because I don’t know anything about it, you’re absolutely right. Materialism and hip-hop are currently locked in a chicken-and- egg cycle with advertisers and product placements so interwoven it’s impossible to tell which came first. Actually that’s not always, sometimes you can tell exactly which one came first.
Take this little nugget of loveliness; Fergie signed a $4 million deal to promote Candy shoes in her upcoming songs. First of all the point is that she’ll mention the shoes in her songs and then Candy will use her shoe lovin lyrics in their commercials, so it seems as if the commercials came after the songs when the opposite is true. I’m telling you, the tinfoil hat and a bunker thing doesn’t sound so bad now, especially if my bunker was stocked with a lifetime supply of carrot cake, but then I’d just be a fat crazy guy in a bunker…anyway I would be a little concerned about how this is going to affect Fergie’s lyrical content and artistic integrity, except this is the woman who once sang “my humps, my humps, my lovely lady lumps.” The second thing that kills me is the records exec who says that with record sales down he has to find new ways to make money. Here’s a crazy thought, maybe record sales are down because the music’s crap and people don’t want to pay $15 for a cd that turns out to be an extended shoe commercial.
With thinking like that I should control of A&M Records, and if I did this is what I’d do: I looked at Fergie’s last album The Duchess and I’ve prepared a re-release that I feel provides some excellent opportunities for synergy. Here’s the tracklistings with the original title in plain text and my suggestions in italics.
1. Fergalicous Ferg-a-Butterfingers-are-de-licous
2. Clumsy Clumsy (because the heels of my shoe broke, I should have bought Candy shoes, they have the most reliable heels in the business)
3. All That I Got (the make-up song) All That I Got (the Max Factor song)
4. London Bridge London Bridge Tours Only 5 Euros!
5. Pedestal Tough Actin Tinactin Stops Athlete’s Foot Dead
6. Glamorous Glamorous in Gucci
7. Here I Come Here I Come, in my Ford F-150
8. Velvet Velvet (trimmed shoes by Candy)
9. Big Girls Don’t Cry Big Girls Don’t Cry, They Go Shopping
10. Mary Jane Shoes Mary Jane Shoes Suck Only Buy Candy
11. Losing My Ground Losing My Ground, Gaining Frequent Flier Miles
12. Finally Crazy Eddy’s Used Car Emporium
What do you think? We’ll make millions, millions I’m telling you. Somebody get me Fergie’s people on the phone. I was also planning on making fun of 50 Cent's disastrous lip-synching at the BET Awards and then shamelessly plugging his ownership of Vitamin Water…then I got scared he’d have me killed. So let me close with my suggestion for his new Vitamin Water ad campaign and call it a day:
2. Clumsy Clumsy (because the heels of my shoe broke, I should have bought Candy shoes, they have the most reliable heels in the business)
3. All That I Got (the make-up song) All That I Got (the Max Factor song)
4. London Bridge London Bridge Tours Only 5 Euros!
5. Pedestal Tough Actin Tinactin Stops Athlete’s Foot Dead
6. Glamorous Glamorous in Gucci
7. Here I Come Here I Come, in my Ford F-150
8. Velvet Velvet (trimmed shoes by Candy)
9. Big Girls Don’t Cry Big Girls Don’t Cry, They Go Shopping
10. Mary Jane Shoes Mary Jane Shoes Suck Only Buy Candy
11. Losing My Ground Losing My Ground, Gaining Frequent Flier Miles
12. Finally Crazy Eddy’s Used Car Emporium
What do you think? We’ll make millions, millions I’m telling you. Somebody get me Fergie’s people on the phone. I was also planning on making fun of 50 Cent's disastrous lip-synching at the BET Awards and then shamelessly plugging his ownership of Vitamin Water…then I got scared he’d have me killed. So let me close with my suggestion for his new Vitamin Water ad campaign and call it a day:
“Vitamin Water, guaranteed to have you feeling more energetic, even if you’ve just been shot in the face nine times.”
I think it has a certain ring to it don’t you? Anyone else have any marketing campaign suggestions? Remember, this is war.
