When Lindsay Lohan was arrested in L.A. the other day (I’d like to point out that I live in the only city on Earth where being run over by a 90 pound alchoholic celebrity is a legitimate concern) they also found R. Kelly in her trunk with a pound of marijuana and a giant stuffed animal. Is that true? Not at all, but it could be, and that’s why I love R. Kelly. He makes anything possible. For those of you who missed it he recently put out a full length album, Double Up. For those interested here’s my review of the entire album. Today we’re only concerned with one song. The new greatest R. Kelly song of all time, The Zoo. Just when you think Kelly’s run out of sexual metaphors he’s raises the ceiling even higher, he apparently has an infinite amount of sexually charged concepts in the glorious brain of his.
Before we get into the lyrics, and believe me we will, let me just set the stage. The concept of the song is that R. Kelly and his special lady (or ladies, or girls, or unicorns or whatever he's into these days) are in the jungle, and their jungle animals, and they’re doing what jungle animals do. Now I recently read a New York Times article saying that R. Kelly is participating in a long tradition of black performers who push racist stereotypes (like black people are just sexually driven jungle animals for example) to absurd limits in order to disempower those stereptypes. There may be certain elements of that in Mr. Kelly, or he could just think animals doing it are funny. It’s probably a little bit of both. With no further ado allow me to walk you through The Zoo.
The music is classic R&B style, slow snapping percussion pulsing bass swerve while Kelly croons, “I wanna see your body, I wanna feel your body.” Just your run of the mill song, nothing special. There’s no way to prepare yourself for what’s coming.
“It’s like a jungle atmosphere/ and we’re two monkeys baby/it’s like we’re on the vine/ the way we’re swinging baby.”
I like to imagine actually saying this to someone. Candlelight dinner, oysters and chocoltae on the table, you look that special someone in the eye and softly whisper, “it’s like jungle atmosphere, and we’re two monkeys baby.” I’ll try it on the girlfriend and report back…if I’m still breathing. On second thought why don’t you try it and tell me how it goes.
“Girl, I got you so wet/it's like a rain forest/like Jurassic Park/except I'm your sex-a-saurus baby.”
The music is classic R&B style, slow snapping percussion pulsing bass swerve while Kelly croons, “I wanna see your body, I wanna feel your body.” Just your run of the mill song, nothing special. There’s no way to prepare yourself for what’s coming.
“It’s like a jungle atmosphere/ and we’re two monkeys baby/it’s like we’re on the vine/ the way we’re swinging baby.”
I like to imagine actually saying this to someone. Candlelight dinner, oysters and chocoltae on the table, you look that special someone in the eye and softly whisper, “it’s like jungle atmosphere, and we’re two monkeys baby.” I’ll try it on the girlfriend and report back…if I’m still breathing. On second thought why don’t you try it and tell me how it goes.
“Girl, I got you so wet/it's like a rain forest/like Jurassic Park/except I'm your sex-a-saurus baby.”
I’m sorry R. Kelly, what was that? It sounded like you said you’re a sex-a-saurus. Oh, you did. Well then, congratulations, that’s the most insane line I’ve ever heard. If I remember my dinosaurs correctly the sex-a-saurus was primarily an herbivore who was frequently arrested for talking to underage brontosaurus’. I have to believe that he thought of the sex-a-saurus line a long time ago and he’s been saving it for just the right time. It was probably stashed away in some secret underground bunker just in case the Russians decided to get out of hand again. It’s hands down the new best R. Kelly line of all time.
You and me hopping/like two kangaroos/rattling and moaning/out here in these woods.
Here’s my theory: R. Kelly was high and watching Animal Planet, one thing led to another, and viola The Zoo was made. And by the way is he implying that kangaroos rattle? Or did we switch animal metaphors and I missed it? At this point I’m incredibly confused, and then the actual monkey sound effects kick in. As in: “girl we be goin oooo aaaaa.” Are those really the noises R. Kelly wants to hear from his lady when they’re making love. Honestly I can’t think of a noise I’d be more terrified of, but that’s only one reason I’m me, and R. Kelly is a genius/complete nutjob.
Believe me, it kind of goes on like that for a few more minutes, but nothing could possible top the first verse. Where will he stop? Will he ever stop? I can’t think of another field in which someone has so consistently exceeded expectations. In the “coming up with absolutely ridiculous pop songs that will still be wildly popular” R. Kelly is the undisputed king. If he releases anything better than Sex Zoo, and if history is any indication it’s only a matter of time, I’ll let you know. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got to go light some incense and pray in front of my R. Kelly shrine.
You know I wouldn’t build up all the hype and leave you hanging, the link to the song's below. Enjoy!
You and me hopping/like two kangaroos/rattling and moaning/out here in these woods.
Here’s my theory: R. Kelly was high and watching Animal Planet, one thing led to another, and viola The Zoo was made. And by the way is he implying that kangaroos rattle? Or did we switch animal metaphors and I missed it? At this point I’m incredibly confused, and then the actual monkey sound effects kick in. As in: “girl we be goin oooo aaaaa.” Are those really the noises R. Kelly wants to hear from his lady when they’re making love. Honestly I can’t think of a noise I’d be more terrified of, but that’s only one reason I’m me, and R. Kelly is a genius/complete nutjob.
Believe me, it kind of goes on like that for a few more minutes, but nothing could possible top the first verse. Where will he stop? Will he ever stop? I can’t think of another field in which someone has so consistently exceeded expectations. In the “coming up with absolutely ridiculous pop songs that will still be wildly popular” R. Kelly is the undisputed king. If he releases anything better than Sex Zoo, and if history is any indication it’s only a matter of time, I’ll let you know. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got to go light some incense and pray in front of my R. Kelly shrine.
You know I wouldn’t build up all the hype and leave you hanging, the link to the song's below. Enjoy!
