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Monday, May 14, 2007

Little Bit O'Everything



I usually try to come up with a coherent theme for every posting, but there’s just too much fantastical material out there to limit myself. It’s not my fault I’m having trouble focusing on one issue, it’s the chemical make-up of my brain. Don’t worry, after a massive infusion of various pharmaceutical fixes I’ll calm down…oh wait, I don’t have health insurance. Well, then I guess this installment is going to have to squirm around like a four-year-old who just drank a liter of Kool-Aid.

Reader Response:
George, the pride of the Mass. State Legislature, sends along a homeless nomination:

Boston's Own "Spare Change Guy" http://www.metrowestdailynews.com/local_news/x1215259426
Yeah, he's unpleasant. He also screeches "got any spaaaaare change" in this throaty/smokers/demented/incapable of any other thought or language/creaking way. He literally sounds like he's going to die. One time he asked for change because "today is my last day" which was a tad cryptic. The best part is that while he sounds like he is incapable of any kind of thought, and can only smell and ask for change, he has been spotted reading novels on the train, like he commutes in for his craziness, and then goes home at night to relax and catch the sox game. He's remarkable. He also recently returned from a brief prison stay, so that was interesting.

Kelly, everyone’s favorite Renaissance Art expert, overheard this gem:

The scene: Me, rollerblading down west side highway at top speed. Man walking along with cell phone dressed in his "cool" PJs- the clothes you put on to LOOK like you just rolled out of bed when in fact you planned it meticulously. The line: "No man, he is like a really cool guy. He has all these really amazing tank tops."Analysis: WHAT THE FUCK.

Some Love for Oakland?:
Watching the Warriors playoff basketball game on TNT when I noticed that the scenic location shots they were using were entirely of San Francisco, even though the Warriors play in Oakland. The Golden Gate Bridge, Alcatraz, Coit Tower, nary a square foot of Oakland to be found. And this isn’t just for the Warriors, the Raiders and A’s get the same treatment. The most insulting has to be when they show the view of the SF skyline…from Oakland. Is there another city that gets the same treatment? The Patriots play in Foxboro, an unremarkable suburb of Boston, so I understand that they either show a shot of Boston of the interior from Sully’s Deli, but Oakland is a major U.S. city. And don’t tell me they’re the Golden State Warriors, I lived there for years. When they’re winning everyone in the Bay Area is a fan, but when they’re losing they’re definitely from Oakland. Here’s my suggestion for location shots TNT can use.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p6IlqehvIFo

VIP Restrooms
The Rite Aid next to my apartment is undergoing reconstruction, with all the noise they’re making the floors better be marble. On the doors there’s a sign that says, “Restrooms closed during construction. Customers may use the VIP bathrooms in the parking lot.” A brief scan of the parking lot reveals that the only thing that could even be remotely considered a bathroom is a bank of port-a-pottys near the construction trucks. Even for Rite Aid that’s low. What are the non-VIP bathrooms, an empty milk jug in the corner of the parking lot?

Call the FCC:
Hip-hop has made me schizophrenic. After spending most of last month ardently defending the culture against an onslaught of reactionary charges, Huey releases the video for “Pop Lock and Drop It.” At first it’s just your run of the mill booty shakin video, not the most spiritually uplifting song in the world, but certainly not the coming of the apocalypse. The video’s formulaic…until some young girls entered the screen. Ten-years-old young. How is this even remotely acceptable? Little girls dancing like this is not cute. If an adult woman wants to “drop it” fine, but these girls can’t begin to understand the implications, and in the context of the song it’s disturbing. Here’s the video, feel free to only watch the first minute:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YniDowiAHGE
It may not be “that bad”, but at some point a line has to be drawn and this is it for me. Janet Jackson’s nipple is not a problem, young girls being trained to serve as sexual objects, that’s a problem. I’m not going to file charges or suggest that all of hip-hop is responsible, the blame lies more with the white-owned record labels that produce and promote videos than Huey himself. By filing complaints with the FCC, the corporations that are ultimately responsible are forced to respond. If you’re so moved here’s the link.

http://svartifoss2.fcc.gov/cib/fcc475B.cfm

In Which I defend Paris Hilton, Kind Of
Lord knows I’m as glad as anyone she’s going to jail, but there’s been little to no examination of the sentence itself. On the merits of her offense(s) alone the sentence is the maximum, and while she’s guilty the judge is undoubtedly making an example out of her. Justice in this case is not blind, unless it was blinded by the flashbulbs surrounding Paris. On some level America feels guilty for its collective Paris fascination and rejoicing in her sentence places the blame away from us and squarely onto her bony shoulders. Paris was famous for being famous, and now she’s going to jail because she’s famous. Live by the sword, die by the sword.


Will Ferrell, this generation’s Michelangelo
Let’s go out on a high-note. At this point I would pay to watch Will Ferrell silently drink a glass of water. Thanks for reading, I’ll be back next week with my usual laser-like focus. Enjoy.