It’s time I just came out and said it: I’m tired of living a lie, always afraid to reveal my true self. Ok, here it goes. Hello, my name is Nathan, and I’m a hater. How do I know? Because people tell me constantly, that’s always a clue. If Webster’s had definitions for this sort of thing it would read:Hater (noun), Someone who speaks disparagingly about another person when such criticism is unwarranted. Also see jealousy, envy.
I can’t deny some part of this definition applies to me. I can’t help it, I’m from Boston, a place where hating is a way of life. For example, I hate Alex Rodriquez, the third baseman for the Yankees. He’s currently having
the best offensive month in baseball history, and I’m completely unable to appreciate it. Why? Here’s why.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3jp1hfYQAXE&mode=related&search
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3jp1hfYQAXE&mode=related&search
Those people clapping and chanting “Yankees suck” as grown men pummel each other? Those are my people. With roots like you have to hate.
The hater label has also been used to shield folks from any legitimate criticism. Hip-hop artists use it all the time to dismiss anyone who thinks their music is terrible (I’m looking at you Jim Jones). And it’s worked surprisingly well, no one wants to be called a hater and so many a much-needed put-down goes unsaid. It’s hard to imagine that tactic working in other facets of life:
Cop: “Son, you were going 85 mph in a school zone, and I believe you’re intoxicated…is that a loaded handgun on the passenger seat?”
Me: “Damn! Why you hating? Go drink yourself some Haterade Officer McHatesalot.”
Cop: “Yeah, you’re right. Well, be on your way then.”
So we can see there’s a proper time and a place for some good old fashioned hating. The place is here, the time is now.
The NFL Draft – Now I love football, and I mean almost in the Biblical sense, but the draft has gotten way out of hand. There’s around the clock news coverage of a completely hypothetical situation! ESPN’s been running draft updates every thirty minutes, except there’s nothing to update. “This just in, the draft still hasn’t happened.” The truth is a large amount of the draft is a crapshoot. Ryan Leaf, Tom Brady, Jerry Rice, all of them were monumentally mis-analyzed by draft experts. Plus draft guru Mel Kiper’s hair looks like the Exxon Valdez disaster. I think I saw a Greenpeace worker rescue an oil drenched puffin from his scalp yesterday. For some actually insightful draft coverage check out www.the323.blogspot.com
ATMs – Did you know that in France ATM machines don’t release the money until you’ve collected your card. Brilliant! I don’t even want to talk about how many times I’ve forgotten my card in the machine. How hard could this possibly be to implement? You go to hell Wells Fargo ATMs, you go to hell and you stay there.
Alberto Gonzalez – I absolutely believe the politically based firing of eight attorneys is wrong, but it’s hard for me to really get worked up about it. His testimony on the other hand, that was infuriating. The man said, “I do not recall,” over 50 times. So either he’s a lair or has the memory of that guy in Memento. The testimony reminded me of the kind of tactics you used when you were a kid and got caught doing something wrong.
Mom: Nathan, did you eat the entire package of Oreos?
Me: Um, no.
Mom: Then why are there Oreo crumbs all over your mouth?
Me: I do not recall.
The cashiers at the Sunset/Fairfax Rite Aid – I realize working the overnight shift at Rite Aid probably isn’t what you wanted to do with your life, but when I approach the counter you look like I just punched your grandmother in the face. And there’s really no need to wrap my Diet Coke in four plastic bags.
Fergie – So “My Humps” wasn’t exactly the most intellectually stimulating song of all time, but I was willing to dismiss it as just shallow fun (Alanis Morisettes parody is fantastic http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tZw-8RSyvh8 ), but “Glamorous” is terrible. I can’t help but hate a song that repeatedly tells me “if you ain’t got no money keep your broke ass home,” and then talks about going to Taco Bell to keep it real. You can’t have it both ways Fergie, either you’re richer and better than us, or your just a normal girl who likes crappy faux-Mexican food. Which reminds me…
Anyone who went to the Taco Bell on Valencia St. in San Francisco – I’m not going to hate on fast food, but the Mission district of SF probably has the highest concentration of Central American restaurants in the country. Why would you go to Taco Bell when there’s a place literally next door that will give you homemade papusas for half the price? That’s like going to IHOP and saying “you know what, instead of delicious pancakes could you just reheat a Hungry Man breakfast and charge me double.” Why God why!?
Believe me, I have a lot more hate inside just waiting to bust out, but I’m starting to get a little worked up. And when that happens it’s only a matter of time before the old middle finger starts flashing at anyone who pulls the “drive into the crosswalk while I’m walking” move. And if the guy in the BMW convertible who pulled that shit on me this morning is reading, if you do that again I’m going to strangle you with your own $500 thrift store t-shirt. See, you take me out of Boston, but you can’t take the Boston out of me.
And another thing….
*Got something you want to hate on, let it out. Share with your fellow NoChancers, you’ll feel much better afterwards. Or remain a bitter little ball of hate, either one.
*CNN continues its crusade to blame the problems of the world on hip-hop. Now Anderson Cooper has ridiculously managed to link rap with the V. Tech shootings and serial killers in an interview with Camron. Did you know Busta Rhymes was actually the chief architect of the Iraq War? It’s true, just ask CNN. Here’s a great NY Times article about it:
The hater label has also been used to shield folks from any legitimate criticism. Hip-hop artists use it all the time to dismiss anyone who thinks their music is terrible (I’m looking at you Jim Jones). And it’s worked surprisingly well, no one wants to be called a hater and so many a much-needed put-down goes unsaid. It’s hard to imagine that tactic working in other facets of life:
Cop: “Son, you were going 85 mph in a school zone, and I believe you’re intoxicated…is that a loaded handgun on the passenger seat?”
Me: “Damn! Why you hating? Go drink yourself some Haterade Officer McHatesalot.”
Cop: “Yeah, you’re right. Well, be on your way then.”
So we can see there’s a proper time and a place for some good old fashioned hating. The place is here, the time is now.
The NFL Draft – Now I love football, and I mean almost in the Biblical sense, but the draft has gotten way out of hand. There’s around the clock news coverage of a completely hypothetical situation! ESPN’s been running draft updates every thirty minutes, except there’s nothing to update. “This just in, the draft still hasn’t happened.” The truth is a large amount of the draft is a crapshoot. Ryan Leaf, Tom Brady, Jerry Rice, all of them were monumentally mis-analyzed by draft experts. Plus draft guru Mel Kiper’s hair looks like the Exxon Valdez disaster. I think I saw a Greenpeace worker rescue an oil drenched puffin from his scalp yesterday. For some actually insightful draft coverage check out www.the323.blogspot.com
ATMs – Did you know that in France ATM machines don’t release the money until you’ve collected your card. Brilliant! I don’t even want to talk about how many times I’ve forgotten my card in the machine. How hard could this possibly be to implement? You go to hell Wells Fargo ATMs, you go to hell and you stay there.
Alberto Gonzalez – I absolutely believe the politically based firing of eight attorneys is wrong, but it’s hard for me to really get worked up about it. His testimony on the other hand, that was infuriating. The man said, “I do not recall,” over 50 times. So either he’s a lair or has the memory of that guy in Memento. The testimony reminded me of the kind of tactics you used when you were a kid and got caught doing something wrong.
Mom: Nathan, did you eat the entire package of Oreos?
Me: Um, no.
Mom: Then why are there Oreo crumbs all over your mouth?
Me: I do not recall.
The cashiers at the Sunset/Fairfax Rite Aid – I realize working the overnight shift at Rite Aid probably isn’t what you wanted to do with your life, but when I approach the counter you look like I just punched your grandmother in the face. And there’s really no need to wrap my Diet Coke in four plastic bags.
Fergie – So “My Humps” wasn’t exactly the most intellectually stimulating song of all time, but I was willing to dismiss it as just shallow fun (Alanis Morisettes parody is fantastic http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tZw-8RSyvh8 ), but “Glamorous” is terrible. I can’t help but hate a song that repeatedly tells me “if you ain’t got no money keep your broke ass home,” and then talks about going to Taco Bell to keep it real. You can’t have it both ways Fergie, either you’re richer and better than us, or your just a normal girl who likes crappy faux-Mexican food. Which reminds me…
Anyone who went to the Taco Bell on Valencia St. in San Francisco – I’m not going to hate on fast food, but the Mission district of SF probably has the highest concentration of Central American restaurants in the country. Why would you go to Taco Bell when there’s a place literally next door that will give you homemade papusas for half the price? That’s like going to IHOP and saying “you know what, instead of delicious pancakes could you just reheat a Hungry Man breakfast and charge me double.” Why God why!?
Believe me, I have a lot more hate inside just waiting to bust out, but I’m starting to get a little worked up. And when that happens it’s only a matter of time before the old middle finger starts flashing at anyone who pulls the “drive into the crosswalk while I’m walking” move. And if the guy in the BMW convertible who pulled that shit on me this morning is reading, if you do that again I’m going to strangle you with your own $500 thrift store t-shirt. See, you take me out of Boston, but you can’t take the Boston out of me.
And another thing….
*Got something you want to hate on, let it out. Share with your fellow NoChancers, you’ll feel much better afterwards. Or remain a bitter little ball of hate, either one.
*CNN continues its crusade to blame the problems of the world on hip-hop. Now Anderson Cooper has ridiculously managed to link rap with the V. Tech shootings and serial killers in an interview with Camron. Did you know Busta Rhymes was actually the chief architect of the Iraq War? It’s true, just ask CNN. Here’s a great NY Times article about it:
http://www.nytimes.com/2007/04/25/arts/music/25hiph.html?ex=1178164800&en=1e14302a3381319e&ei=5070&emc=eta1.
* Besides having one of the coolest names in the history of mankind, NoChancer Sahara is also a dope photographer. Now you can look at her work online, enjoy.
http://saharamarinaborja.blogspot.com/
* Besides having one of the coolest names in the history of mankind, NoChancer Sahara is also a dope photographer. Now you can look at her work online, enjoy.
http://saharamarinaborja.blogspot.com/
