Ink You Very Much

Here at NoChance we’re committed to not only entertaining you with tales of Hollywood happenings and removed organs, but we also strive to provide our readers with thoughtful and balanced information. And when I say “we”, I mean myself, and the magical elves that sneak into my room late at night to write articles. I firmly believe that knowledge is peace, and that the more we know about each other the better the world will be. Also, a lot of people make me angry when they ask me stupid questions, and that needs to stop. So in the spirit of inclusion and harmony I present:

The Average Person’s Guide to Dealing with Tattooed People

In this handy-dandy little guide I’ll answer some frequently asked questions and review some protocol for dealing with those who are tattooed. The first step is to figure out where you belong. Are you a tattooed person?
Do you have a small turtle inked on your ankle from a spring break in Mexico? Then no, you’re not, and there are probably some embarrassing videos of you on the Internet. Do you have barbwire around your bicep? Then no, you’re not, and steroids have shrunken your testicles to the size of raisins. If neither of these scenarios describes you, than congratulations, you’ve done something right with your life.
Still not sure where you fit? If you’re routinely asked about your tattoos by strangers, than you are, and if not, than you just might be annoying the bejeezus out of others (like say, Nathan Richards Slavik). I’ll also try to let you in on a little bit of inside information that you can use to ridicule people who think they’re cool because of their lame tattoos. Think of this like a public service announcement, I’m in negotiations with Al Gore to do a documentary.

Question 1: “Did it hurt”?

Jesus Christ on a bicycle! Yes it hurts! When you’re tattooed a needle (which can range from the size of a highlighter to a pin) repeatedly punctures the layers of skin directly below the surface. That’s not pleasant. Some parts of the body hurt worse than others, the general rule is the more skin you can pinch the more it will hurt. For example, the inside of your arm hurts far more than the outside. The next time you see a “barb-wire around the bicep” guy, check to see if the ink extends completely around his arm. If the ink is incomplete than he’s a wuss who’s obviously overcompensating for something. Feel free to share your observations with him.
Also parts of the body that don’t have much protection at all (ribs, elbows, collarbone, etc.) are routinely the worst. It’s not so much that the pain is excruciating, as you have to overcome your instincts. When a needle is being driven into your elbow every nerve in your body wants to jump away, it’s exhausting to stay still. That punk kid on the bus who thinks he’s hardcore because of the star tattoo on his arm (that conveniently goes around his elbow but not directly on it)? Call his mom, he’s probably late for piano lessons.

Question 2: “Who did your tattoos? Can you hook me up?”

This is like walking up to grizzled crackhead and asking, “Where’d you get that crack? Can you hook me up?” If you don’t already have a dealer than a true crackhead isn’t going to point you to the good stuff, and he’s certainly not going to share his own stash. Tattooing is a unique art form in that it involves a contract between two people: you need the artist to get tattooed, and the artist needs your skin/canvas to practice his/her art. It’s a partnership. Most tattoo shops operate under the partnership principle. If you bring an artist a piece that they can be genuinely excited about or that you worked on together, the tattoo’s price will be minimal. Artists make their money by overcharging people who bring them typical and boring tattoos (hello sorority girl with flower tattoo). Just like I imagine a crack dealer would take one look at me, assume I have no real idea about the market price of a crack rock, and charge me double. You’d be surprised how useful crack can be in various analogies.

Question 3: “Can I see your tattoos?”

This is by far the most innocuous but most aggravating question, and I hear it all the time. I now routinely cover my tattoos in unfamiliar situations. The demand is a very abrupt invasion of my personal space, yet if I were to say, “No, you can’t look at my tattoos,” people would think I’m a jerk. In other contexts you can’t just approach strangers and ask them to show you their bodies. Here’s the best analogy I can come up with, and no it doesn’t involve narcotics. It actually involves imagining myself as a woman (I think my mother may be starting to get worried.)
Let’s say you decide to really get in shape, and you work out every day. After a while you start looking pretty good. Sure enough, summer comes along and you think “you know, I usually wear one piece bathing suits, but this summer I’m feeling so cinfudent about myself I’m gonna wear a bikini.” If a friend or family member were to compliment you on the new look, you’d feel pretty good, but that doesn’t mean you want every guy on the beach coming up to you and asking to see your breasts. Think about that the next time you’re tempted to talk to someone about their ink. And if you’re the type of person who just routinely asks people to expose themselves anyway, there’s nothing I can do. May I recommend a barb-wire tattoo.

I hope this little tutorial has taught you how to deal better with tattooed people, or given you ammunition to more effectively mock them. You know, either one. Because here at NoChance we’re determined to change the world, one convoluted, rambling, barely read article at a time.