I’m sure somewhere a puppy is frolicking through a field of buttercups while blue jays hover around his adorable head, but right now I have the flu. My head feels like a recycled tire so I see no reason why anyone else should be happy. You’re welcome. So what better time for another edition of Hater Nation, my little list of things that are currently deserving of my ire? Let’s not wait around any longer.
Western medicine – So let me get this straight; you can clone a person but you can’t cure the flu? Now granted I’m no doctor (though I have played one in the privacy of my own home), but that doesn’t make any fucking sense. How hard can it be to cure the flu? Pharmaceutical companies have taken care of balding men who can’t get erections just fine. Going to the doctor and being told to drink plenty of liquids is like going to a restaurant and the chef telling you he can’t boil water, but he’d be glad to serve you some foie gras. Screw you western medicine.
Jose Mota – Mota’s doing the sideline reporting for the Boston Red Sox playoffs. If the only requirement this job was the ability to breathe he’d suffocate. His report on pitcher Josh Beckett’s blister problems just went like this: “Florida hot so Josh Beckett pitcher problems blister have improved in Boston.” This guy makes the cast of The Hills look like Rhodes scholars.
Time Warner Cable – It’s as if Satan and Hitler had a baby, dipped it in tar and broken glass, and gave it control over most of Los Angeles’ televisions. I would seriously rather watch the Britney Spears performance on a continuous loop then call their customer service. Their favorite move is to offer you a $5 discount for service problems. Guess what Time Warner, $5 off crap is still crap. How about you just fix my reception instead.
John Cougar Mellencamp – I know what you’re thinking, how could I possibly hate anyone with the middle name Cougar? Good question, I do respect his parents for having the guts to name their child after a mammal of the Felidae family, but I’ve been forced to listen to that “this is our country” song approximately 74,000 times. I know Chevy’s demographics favor the Midwest, but the commercials show legions of white people hopping off tractors while eating apple pie and watching 4th of July fireworks explode in the background. It’s like Field of Dreams, except James Earl Jones isn’t invited. Yeah, that’s absolutely nothing like my country. My country mostly consists of riding the bus with Guatemalan gardeners on their way to Beverly Hills landscaping jobs. How about it Chevy?
People who hit the elevator button repeatedly – Not to sound like a Seinfeld stand up routine, but if you come up to an elevator, and I’m standing there, and the elevator button is light up, but you decide to press it again just in case I’m so retarded I can’t properly push a button, I will break you kneecap. Also deserving consideration is the guy who pushes the crosswalk button 47 times. You can press it all you want, the first time was enough, the light’s not going to change any faster. The elevator/green light is coming, if you can’t wait with the rest of us I’m going to call my friends down at Animal Planet and have them shoot a tranquilizer dart into your neck from a helicopter like you’re an injured gazelle. Got it? Speaking of which...
People with tasers – They’ve given security guards tasers on a pretty consistent basis now and they seemingly can’t stop electrocuting people. The John Kerry campaign tasered the bejeezus out a guy who’s only crime was being incredibly annoying. Infinitely worse and closer to home was the UCLA incident when a student was tasered six times for failing to show ID in the library. It’s simple human nature; when you give someone the ability to electrocute anyone who aggravates them, they’re going to light people up like a Christmas tree. That’s why I don’t own a taser gun. I’m not necessarily against police having them, but at UCLA it was the library security guards. Have you ever seen library guards? If there was ever a group of people who shouldn’t be allowed to carry tasers it’s them. If they had guns students would be getting shot left and right for overdue books.
We’re only scratching the surface of the things I hate list but if you’ll excuse me I’m going to go enjoy the hallucinations my fever is bringing on. I’m sure by this point you’re wondering about the picture above. Well my father, in his infinite wisdom, threw me a Care Bear birthday party. He then made me pose with said Care Bear paraphernalia and has been hating on me ever since, saying I’m not man enough to post a picture online featuring me and a stuffed animal with a cupcake on it’s stomach. You can stop hating now dad.
Western medicine – So let me get this straight; you can clone a person but you can’t cure the flu? Now granted I’m no doctor (though I have played one in the privacy of my own home), but that doesn’t make any fucking sense. How hard can it be to cure the flu? Pharmaceutical companies have taken care of balding men who can’t get erections just fine. Going to the doctor and being told to drink plenty of liquids is like going to a restaurant and the chef telling you he can’t boil water, but he’d be glad to serve you some foie gras. Screw you western medicine.
Jose Mota – Mota’s doing the sideline reporting for the Boston Red Sox playoffs. If the only requirement this job was the ability to breathe he’d suffocate. His report on pitcher Josh Beckett’s blister problems just went like this: “Florida hot so Josh Beckett pitcher problems blister have improved in Boston.” This guy makes the cast of The Hills look like Rhodes scholars.
Time Warner Cable – It’s as if Satan and Hitler had a baby, dipped it in tar and broken glass, and gave it control over most of Los Angeles’ televisions. I would seriously rather watch the Britney Spears performance on a continuous loop then call their customer service. Their favorite move is to offer you a $5 discount for service problems. Guess what Time Warner, $5 off crap is still crap. How about you just fix my reception instead.
John Cougar Mellencamp – I know what you’re thinking, how could I possibly hate anyone with the middle name Cougar? Good question, I do respect his parents for having the guts to name their child after a mammal of the Felidae family, but I’ve been forced to listen to that “this is our country” song approximately 74,000 times. I know Chevy’s demographics favor the Midwest, but the commercials show legions of white people hopping off tractors while eating apple pie and watching 4th of July fireworks explode in the background. It’s like Field of Dreams, except James Earl Jones isn’t invited. Yeah, that’s absolutely nothing like my country. My country mostly consists of riding the bus with Guatemalan gardeners on their way to Beverly Hills landscaping jobs. How about it Chevy?
People who hit the elevator button repeatedly – Not to sound like a Seinfeld stand up routine, but if you come up to an elevator, and I’m standing there, and the elevator button is light up, but you decide to press it again just in case I’m so retarded I can’t properly push a button, I will break you kneecap. Also deserving consideration is the guy who pushes the crosswalk button 47 times. You can press it all you want, the first time was enough, the light’s not going to change any faster. The elevator/green light is coming, if you can’t wait with the rest of us I’m going to call my friends down at Animal Planet and have them shoot a tranquilizer dart into your neck from a helicopter like you’re an injured gazelle. Got it? Speaking of which...
People with tasers – They’ve given security guards tasers on a pretty consistent basis now and they seemingly can’t stop electrocuting people. The John Kerry campaign tasered the bejeezus out a guy who’s only crime was being incredibly annoying. Infinitely worse and closer to home was the UCLA incident when a student was tasered six times for failing to show ID in the library. It’s simple human nature; when you give someone the ability to electrocute anyone who aggravates them, they’re going to light people up like a Christmas tree. That’s why I don’t own a taser gun. I’m not necessarily against police having them, but at UCLA it was the library security guards. Have you ever seen library guards? If there was ever a group of people who shouldn’t be allowed to carry tasers it’s them. If they had guns students would be getting shot left and right for overdue books.
We’re only scratching the surface of the things I hate list but if you’ll excuse me I’m going to go enjoy the hallucinations my fever is bringing on. I’m sure by this point you’re wondering about the picture above. Well my father, in his infinite wisdom, threw me a Care Bear birthday party. He then made me pose with said Care Bear paraphernalia and has been hating on me ever since, saying I’m not man enough to post a picture online featuring me and a stuffed animal with a cupcake on it’s stomach. You can stop hating now dad.
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