A Cracker By Any Other Name

I recently started writing for a hip-hop website (djbooth.net, if I were to shamelessly self-promote, which I’m not) and the first thing my editor wanted me to do is come up with a name. Not just a name, but an alias, a persona, something fresh, something hip-hop, something not Nathan Slavik. In other words, I needed to drop the government name. I understood his point, a name can be make or break, and Nathan says “Hi, of course I’ll have your daughter home by ten,” not “I’m qualified to review underground hip-hop albums.” I’m a firm believer that a name can set the stage for your entire life, not only by influencing how you see yourself, but what the world expects of you. For example, if I were to name my future son Bronco, there’s no way that kid’s not going to be wild, in an eventually self-destructive coke habit kind of way. Conversely, little Norbert Slavik Jr. is going to be very involved in a world of magic and dragons. This is why most parents just choose to go the safe route with Chris or Sara, those kids have the most options. Now the pressure was on me to name someone, and that someone, was me.
At first I was excited by the possibilities, after all a new name means a new life, but the thrill soon turned to horror. Not only is coming up with a dope name hard, coming up with a not-terrible name is pretty difficult. It wasn’t long before I was turning to my girlfriend and saying things like “What about Ritz, you know like a cracker, I’m a cracker, and it projects kind of a rich opulence sort of thing.” Once she very kindly but sternly pointed out that Ritz was probably the dumbest fucking name she’s ever heard, desperation started to set in. I had to go back to basics, look to some role models and figure out what makes a great hip-hop name. I decided to go straight to the pros and figure out who has the worst and best name in hip-hop? Maybe in my investigation I’d learn the secret formula, and come up with something better than El Diablo Blanco.
It’s a more complicated question than it first appears. After all, what is in a name? Some people have strong enough personalities that they can manage to overcome a poor name. For example, think anyone has the guts to point out that 50 Cent’s kind of a silly name? To his face? The same face that was shot nine times? As far as I’m concerned he could be named MC Creamsicle and it’d be tough. But there has to be a point where we can all sit down and agree yeah, that’s a pretty bad/great name. I realize that the following list is subjective, and as always open to revision, but after much thought here’s the breakdown.

Bottom Three Worst Names
1) Diddy – The worst part of it is he managed to change his name from the embarrassing Puff Daddy to the absolutely atrocious Diddy. Let’s put it this way: I was over at a friends house when her two year old son peed his pants, then ran through the house announcing to everyone who would listen “I went Diddy.” I rest my case. This is what happens when you’re surrounded by people who enthusiastically agree with everything you say.
2) Ice-T – I realize this is a very controversial call, and a hard one because Ice-T is rightfully one of the greatest MC’s of all time, but just take a step back. Let’s pretend for a moment that we’ve never heard of Ice-T the rapper, never heard of him period, hell you don’t even watch Law and Order. Ice-T? Really? If I’m listening to the radio and the DJ says “After the break, I’ll be playing the new joint from Ice-T,” I’m not gonna be in any rush to sit through those commercials. What makes the name even more strange is all the hardcore songs. Should a man infamous for a song called Copkiller be named after a deliciously refreshing summertime beverage? And yes I admit that if I ever met him I would apologize profusely, while running away, and crying.
3) Vanilla Ice – Not much of a debate here. Though as soon as I wrote it I started to wonder if it’s not secretly the best name ever. At least it’s honest. The name screams “I’m a white guy masquerading as a rapper for money and women, also I have lightning bolts cut into the sides of my flat-top.” Which in retrospect was exactly what he was. No, no, I don’t care how honest it is, he probably thought it was dope. Which means it’s terrible. Sadly, Vanilla Ice was an upgrade from his actual name, Rob Van Winkle. You can’t make this shit up.

Top Three Best Names
1) Ghostface Killa – The anti-Diddy. I don’t even think it needs much explanation. All the Wu-Tang members have great names, even Gza somehow works, but Ghostface tops them all…with the possible exception of Ol’ Dirty Bastard, but he’s the only one in the world who could have pulled that name off. Ghostface is beautiful and tough, mystical and street. Ghostface Killa might sneak up behind you in an alley and stab you with a ninja star, but before he does he’s gonna whisper something in your ear so dope that as you’re being stabbed you’re thinking “I wish I wasn’t being stabbed, but that was a great line.” The names that good.
2) Busta Rhymes – Legend has it that De La Soul gave the aspiring Busta the name while he was still part of Leaders of the New School. De La never disappoints. A big part of the name game is how well the moniker matches the personality, and Busta’s hyper borderline-ADD flow fits perfectly. It’s the type of name that makes running down a hallway while being chased by an elephant a plausible event. I wish I was being chased by an elephant. I wish I could be one of the greatest live performers in hip-hop history. I wish my name was Busta Rhymes.
2) Snoop Dogg – No one has gotten more mileage out of their name than Tha
Doggfather. I think he’s legally mandated to spell out some form of his name at least once a song. S-N-Double O-P indeed. The name projects the kind of laid back cool that can only come from a millionaire who spends a sizable amount of his fortune on weed. It’s also mischievous, but in a gang affiliated kind of way. You can’t be on top of the game for almost two decades without a great name, and the undisputed King of the West Coast (sit down Game, it’s not you) is one Mr. Snoop Dogg Esquire.

So what did I learn from this exercise? I learned that it’s possible to give yourself a painfully bad name and still end up wealthy and powerful, I’m looking at you Sean Combs. I learned that there are plenty of gifted MCs with great names that will probably never sell as many records as Hammer, well hello there MFDoom. In the end it’s what you do with the name more than the name itself. And with this revelation in mind I’m leaning more towards just sticking with the government name. At least it can’t be ridiculed by smart-ass writers. Then again, what do you think about 10th Wonder…like the bread…get it? Yeah, you’re right. My mother would be ashamed. Well, until the muse is kind enough to bless me with something better, this is Nathan Richards Slavik, signing off.