The Envelope Please

I care about the Grammy Awards like I care about the upcoming Making the Band 4; I might watch it to marvel at the ridiculousness, but it’s meaningless. In the hip-hop world winning a Grammy is less a sign of artistic excellence and more a sign of crossover appeal. I’m willing to bet the closest most Grammy voters have come to Ice Cube is when they put some in their Ice-T. The fact is Grammy officials were convinced that hip-hop was a passing fad, and only started giving hip-hop it’s own category in 1989. Now, as hip-hop has become increasingly mainstream your average voter is more and more exposed to the likes of Nelly, Paul Wall, and their assortment of Grillz then ever before. This years nominees are actually relatively solid (well done whoever pushed to get Lupe Fiasco two nominations), but even this recent stab at basic respectability is enough stem my hatred. In order to fortify myself against the hype, and to ensure that you never become deluded by the Grammy glamour, allow me to present my own awards show of sorts…

TOP THREE ABSOLTELY RETARDED GRAMMY HIP-HOP MOMENTS

1) Will Smith Gets Jiggy with a Best Song Grammy - First and foremost I’m not one of these Will Smith haters, he was there from the beginning crafting solid party hip-hop. There’s no reason we can’t all throw some old school Fresh Prince in the summertime and roll through three miles an hour. That being said, Will Smith is currently the Bryant Gumble of hip-hop, or maybe Gumble is the Smith of broadcasting, or maybe they’re both just Wayne Brady, regardless you get my point. White people feel comfortable with him, they feel comfortable gettin jiggy at their daughter’s Bar Mitzah, and they feel comfortable handing him a Grammy. Oh, and he also got a Grammy for Men In Black. That’s right Kool Herc, the music you gave birth to is now the soundtrack to a Tommy Lee Jones movie, congratulations.

2) MC Hammer wins for Best Rap Album – While it is true that the Hammer and his entourage were setting the nation on fire one pair of gold-plated parachute pants at a time, it’s also true that Hammer made music that can no longer be played without widespread laughter. Not only has his music utterly failed to stand the test of time, I wouldn’t be even remotely surprised if a 300 pound Hammer showed up on Celebrity Fit Club. Ironically enough it turns out the only legit thing Hammer ever did was quit. God, this is almost too easy. So the next time your tempted to give the Grammy’s even the smallest amount of respect, just remember, they gave MC Hammer a fucking award!!!

3) Puffy’s No Way Out wins Best Album – There are two options here: either a man so stupid he changed his name from Puffy to Diddy managed to make the best hip-hop album of the year, or the Grammys are a complete embarrassment. I suppose the third option would be they’re both more confused than Danity Kane after a quantum physics lecture; in any case I believe I make myself clear. The real travesty here is that Puffy beat out Biggie’s Life After Death for the award. You’ve got be kidding me! One of the top five greatest MCs of all time is tragically murdered and he can’t even beat the guy whose only serious credit was signing him. I don’t even know anyone who still owns No Way Out, let alone listens to it. I still remember the first time I heard Puffy spit this classic line: “Playa please, I’m the macaroni with the cheese.” Seriously, they gave him a Grammy, I think I just vomited in my mouth.

In the end, I hope The Roots and Lupe Fiasco and Mary J. Blige all walk away February 11th with more Grammy’s then they can hold, lord knows they deserve them. And if that happens, if the Grammy committee somehow recognizes the combined genius of Missy and Busta and Mos Def, if they show that finally they’ve learned the simple lesson of separating quality enduring hip-hop from flashy commercial efforts, maybe I’ll start to care. But if history is any guide then Ludacris will end up watching Chamillionaire’s acceptance speech from his seat, and I’ll be looking on the Internet for a flamethrower and directions to the Grammys. Let that be a warning to you Grammy voters, I don’t know who you are, but I’m not above locking you in a room with a Best of Mase cd on repeat. After all, it’s a wonder you didn’t give the man a Grammy.